The Truth

I am sick of people treating me differently because I have a mental illness.

Hello again dear readers. This is an angry blog post in response to some issues going on in my life at the moment, but I feel like I should open with some positives. My EC claim got accepted so I am free to sit my exams in July without any penalty for missing them (and therefore, failing them) this May. Most of my side effects from the sertralline have disappeared, though I'm still struggling with some mood fluctuations and stomach cramps. My mum drove up to visit me at university on Saturday, which was more for her benefit than mine but it was so lovely to see her. I got a lovely message from my coursemates saying that they had raised a toast to my health last night at their end of exams celebration (I was supposed to go but I'll get to that in a minute). I also went to the fair on Tuesday which took my mind off things for a couple of hours and I had a really lovely afternoon with my boyfriend and the people that he lives with.

Now for the downside - I don't feel like I can live how I am anymore. I don't leave my bedroom unless it's for general life things (shower, toilet, getting food), going to an appointment or to see my boyfriend because I'm scared to bump into my housemates. They either don't understand or just don't care. I'm sure it's the former but I can't help but feel like it's the latter. They don't invite me to do anything, and they're skirting around me. I've spoken to them about three times in the last week (and by that, I mean I've said three sentences to them) and even some of that they had their backs to me or it was through a door. It's my week to empty the kitchen bin but I wasn't here to fill it and yet I was expected to empty it. I understand if I'm filling it but I've put one plastic bag in there in the last week and I was physically shaking with anger about being told, not asked, told, to do it. But I can't stand confrontation so I didn't say anything and just did it. Then I went downstairs to find that there were two bin bags of rubbish because I didn't do it earlier and instead of someone doing the sensible thing and taking one out, it was just sat there stinking out the kitchen. I was fuming. Basically it's all boiled down to me deciding that I'm moving back home next weekend. I can't live in this place anymore, even if it means I won't get to see the only person who has really supported me through it all most days aka my boyfriend.

One girl I live with just doesn't know how to be sympathetic. They've all treated me differently since the diagnosis but this particular girl is so rude and blunt about it. It may just be the way that I'm looking at it but it actually really hurts every time I open a message from her. Today I received a message saying (I have corrected the spelling from the message as it was driving me insane), 'Seeing as though you're leaving next week, do you want to plan a night as a goodbye or you not bothered?'. I replied saying that I can barely think about leaving my room at the moment, let alone going out so no thank you, and she said that we can get a takeaway and watch a film but I still declined because I would feel excluded anyway. Her response? 'Okay, well I don't know what you want us to do or say at this moment in time so goodbye and hope you feel better'

I bawled my eyes out. I've never, ever, ever asked anybody to make this better. I don't expect them to make this better. What I do expect is some support; not to be ignored by the four people I live with unless I say something first. I'm not going to explode at them for offering me a cup of tea or slice my wrists if they blink at me. I'm not as fragile as they think I am, I just want some time for me at the moment. But I do also need company. I'm not banning you from coming to talk to me. Goodbye? I'm not going anywhere for over a week. I was so upset. 'Hope you feel better' felt like it meant nothing. It was just an expression coming from her.

On Tuesday, I saw her and two of my other housemates on the way back from the fair and they barely acknowledged me because 'they were in a rush' and 'only had two hours left to go on the rides'. I ended up going out for dinner with my boyfriend and his housemates (as they're the only people who are treating me like normal people right now) and I got a message from her asking if I was coming home that night. I said, no and she said 'Oh, thanks a lot for letting us know' then put a thumbs up afterwards, making it seem so sarcastic. I was in a pub at the time and I just had to leave because I was so upset about it, and I was even more gutted because I was having a lovely evening with people who genuinely seem to care about me. I can't even think about her without getting upset but I wanted to get this out of me, with hopes of it making me feel better.

I just feel so isolated because all my coursemates want to do is celebrate the end of exams and get drunk. I was invited too but I couldn't face it last night and I feel like I've missed out on so much in the last fortnight. I went for lunch with my coursemates on Tuesday and I just felt like a spare part. I'd missed loads of jokes and I fell behind both in conversation, and whilst walking to the restaurant.

I feel like this whole depression and anxiety thing isn't getting better and I feel so isolated. For now, all I've got is my laptop and even this is boring me to tears. I keep binge eating because I have nothing else to do and I'm sure all the weight I've lost since Easter has all gone back on again, plus extra. Today alone I've eaten three doughnuts, 1/4 of a bag of banana chips, actual chips, popcorn chicken, 7 fish fingers, and a bag of crisps. Nothing is healthy because I don't want to cook properly. I feel so ashamed of myself and I can't stand it. Every single little thing is getting me down at the moment. I just want to be at home with my mum and my dad and away from university, but I know I've only got another 10 days or so to get through. I just hope I'm strong enough.

Lots of love x