I am sick of people treating me differently because I have a mental illness.
Hello again dear readers. This is an angry blog post in response to some issues going on in my life at the moment, but I feel like I should open with some positives. My EC claim got accepted so I am free to sit my exams in July without any penalty for missing them (and therefore, failing them) this May. Most of my side effects from the sertralline have disappeared, though I'm still struggling with some mood fluctuations and stomach cramps. My mum drove up to visit me at university on Saturday, which was more for her benefit than mine but it was so lovely to see her. I got a lovely message from my coursemates saying that they had raised a toast to my health last night at their end of exams celebration (I was supposed to go but I'll get to that in a minute). I also went to the fair on Tuesday which took my mind off things for a couple of hours and I had a really lovely afternoon with my boyfriend and the people that he lives with.
Now for the downside - I don't feel like I can live how I am anymore. I don't leave my bedroom unless it's for general life things (shower, toilet, getting food), going to an appointment or to see my boyfriend because I'm scared to bump into my housemates. They either don't understand or just don't care. I'm sure it's the former but I can't help but feel like it's the latter. They don't invite me to do anything, and they're skirting around me. I've spoken to them about three times in the last week (and by that, I mean I've said three sentences to them) and even some of that they had their backs to me or it was through a door. It's my week to empty the kitchen bin but I wasn't here to fill it and yet I was expected to empty it. I understand if I'm filling it but I've put one plastic bag in there in the last week and I was physically shaking with anger about being told, not asked, told, to do it. But I can't stand confrontation so I didn't say anything and just did it. Then I went downstairs to find that there were two bin bags of rubbish because I didn't do it earlier and instead of someone doing the sensible thing and taking one out, it was just sat there stinking out the kitchen. I was fuming. Basically it's all boiled down to me deciding that I'm moving back home next weekend. I can't live in this place anymore, even if it means I won't get to see the only person who has really supported me through it all most days aka my boyfriend.
One girl I live with just doesn't know how to be sympathetic. They've all treated me differently since the diagnosis but this particular girl is so rude and blunt about it. It may just be the way that I'm looking at it but it actually really hurts every time I open a message from her. Today I received a message saying (I have corrected the spelling from the message as it was driving me insane), 'Seeing as though you're leaving next week, do you want to plan a night as a goodbye or you not bothered?'. I replied saying that I can barely think about leaving my room at the moment, let alone going out so no thank you, and she said that we can get a takeaway and watch a film but I still declined because I would feel excluded anyway. Her response? 'Okay, well I don't know what you want us to do or say at this moment in time so goodbye and hope you feel better'
I bawled my eyes out. I've never, ever, ever asked anybody to make this better. I don't expect them to make this better. What I do expect is some support; not to be ignored by the four people I live with unless I say something first. I'm not going to explode at them for offering me a cup of tea or slice my wrists if they blink at me. I'm not as fragile as they think I am, I just want some time for me at the moment. But I do also need company. I'm not banning you from coming to talk to me. Goodbye? I'm not going anywhere for over a week. I was so upset. 'Hope you feel better' felt like it meant nothing. It was just an expression coming from her.
On Tuesday, I saw her and two of my other housemates on the way back from the fair and they barely acknowledged me because 'they were in a rush' and 'only had two hours left to go on the rides'. I ended up going out for dinner with my boyfriend and his housemates (as they're the only people who are treating me like normal people right now) and I got a message from her asking if I was coming home that night. I said, no and she said 'Oh, thanks a lot for letting us know' then put a thumbs up afterwards, making it seem so sarcastic. I was in a pub at the time and I just had to leave because I was so upset about it, and I was even more gutted because I was having a lovely evening with people who genuinely seem to care about me. I can't even think about her without getting upset but I wanted to get this out of me, with hopes of it making me feel better.
I just feel so isolated because all my coursemates want to do is celebrate the end of exams and get drunk. I was invited too but I couldn't face it last night and I feel like I've missed out on so much in the last fortnight. I went for lunch with my coursemates on Tuesday and I just felt like a spare part. I'd missed loads of jokes and I fell behind both in conversation, and whilst walking to the restaurant.
I feel like this whole depression and anxiety thing isn't getting better and I feel so isolated. For now, all I've got is my laptop and even this is boring me to tears. I keep binge eating because I have nothing else to do and I'm sure all the weight I've lost since Easter has all gone back on again, plus extra. Today alone I've eaten three doughnuts, 1/4 of a bag of banana chips, actual chips, popcorn chicken, 7 fish fingers, and a bag of crisps. Nothing is healthy because I don't want to cook properly. I feel so ashamed of myself and I can't stand it. Every single little thing is getting me down at the moment. I just want to be at home with my mum and my dad and away from university, but I know I've only got another 10 days or so to get through. I just hope I'm strong enough.
Lots of love x
28 May 2015
20 May 2015
Diagnosis: Mixed Anxiety and Depressive Disorder
There is nothing more depressing than being told you have depression
Six days ago I had anxiety which was brought on worse by stress. Now I have Mixed Anxiety and Depressive Disorder. I'm thankful for a diagnosis but it also makes it seem more real which is a little scary. The World Healthy Organisation defines this disorders as 'when symptoms of anxiety and depression are both present, but neither is clearly predominant, and neither type of symptom is present to the extent that justifies a diagnosis if considered separately'. Sounds fun.
To be honest, I am just sick of people ignoring the fact that I do have mental health issues. People forget that I'm not going to be happy-go-lucky all the time and that I am going to be down and I think that with a full diagnosis they'll remember. I could be totally wrong but it'll be nice to see.
In terms of my exams, I have applied for something known as an 'extenuating circumstance', or EC, which means I can sit my exams in a month and a half. This is throwing my anxiety around like nobody's business thought since I handed in all of the forms 48 hours ago and I'm yet to hear anything about it. So many people have told me to stop worrying but it is so much easier said than done for me. The idea of an EC is that if something occurs out of your control that will affect your exam performance you get to wait until it all clears up. This includes the worsening of a long term illness aka what I'm dealing with. But we'll just have to wait and try not to get panicked about it. Again, easier said than done.
I've been to see the wellbeing support team at my university and they have told me about support that is available. There is a lot of it. I thought I had to just put up with my anxiety but apparently I don't. I will get extra support from staff, more flexible deadlines (more likely to get extensions if I'm having a bad week) and the possibility of longer time allowances on exams. I don't think I need it but it might make me a little more at ease knowing that it's there.
On the side of my physical health, I'm the most I think I've ever been in my life. I'm also tackling a UTI (just look it up) and stomach cramps. Still very nauseas too, and I have the worst constipation imaginable (TMI?). It's just not a good week for me. All I want is a cuddle from my boyfriend and for him to tell me it's all going to be okay, even though I know it isn't.
Anyway, I'm done moaning for now. I'm going to go back to binge watching Episodes which I've done for the past two days because moving from bed is a struggle and I have only done so to eat, use the toilet and to go into uni to get form after form signed. It's not enjoyable, it's not fun and it's definitely not easy.
Lots of Love x
Six days ago I had anxiety which was brought on worse by stress. Now I have Mixed Anxiety and Depressive Disorder. I'm thankful for a diagnosis but it also makes it seem more real which is a little scary. The World Healthy Organisation defines this disorders as 'when symptoms of anxiety and depression are both present, but neither is clearly predominant, and neither type of symptom is present to the extent that justifies a diagnosis if considered separately'. Sounds fun.
To be honest, I am just sick of people ignoring the fact that I do have mental health issues. People forget that I'm not going to be happy-go-lucky all the time and that I am going to be down and I think that with a full diagnosis they'll remember. I could be totally wrong but it'll be nice to see.
In terms of my exams, I have applied for something known as an 'extenuating circumstance', or EC, which means I can sit my exams in a month and a half. This is throwing my anxiety around like nobody's business thought since I handed in all of the forms 48 hours ago and I'm yet to hear anything about it. So many people have told me to stop worrying but it is so much easier said than done for me. The idea of an EC is that if something occurs out of your control that will affect your exam performance you get to wait until it all clears up. This includes the worsening of a long term illness aka what I'm dealing with. But we'll just have to wait and try not to get panicked about it. Again, easier said than done.
I've been to see the wellbeing support team at my university and they have told me about support that is available. There is a lot of it. I thought I had to just put up with my anxiety but apparently I don't. I will get extra support from staff, more flexible deadlines (more likely to get extensions if I'm having a bad week) and the possibility of longer time allowances on exams. I don't think I need it but it might make me a little more at ease knowing that it's there.
On the side of my physical health, I'm the most I think I've ever been in my life. I'm also tackling a UTI (just look it up) and stomach cramps. Still very nauseas too, and I have the worst constipation imaginable (TMI?). It's just not a good week for me. All I want is a cuddle from my boyfriend and for him to tell me it's all going to be okay, even though I know it isn't.
Anyway, I'm done moaning for now. I'm going to go back to binge watching Episodes which I've done for the past two days because moving from bed is a struggle and I have only done so to eat, use the toilet and to go into uni to get form after form signed. It's not enjoyable, it's not fun and it's definitely not easy.
Lots of Love x
17 May 2015
Reaching Breaking Point
This week I have learnt that there is a huge difference between saying 'I'm depressed' and 'I have depression'.
I've been struggling with my mental health for about 5 years now, and I just sucked it up like a big girl. That was until the back end of last year I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't push it to a corner in my mind and let it sit there, because it's been feeding off all the good things and getting stronger and stronger and then it just exploded and I fell to pieces. I was having regular panic attacks for the first time since revising for March 2013 and was in tears every single day. Ever since 2010 I've struggled with stress. It eats into me until I get ill, but this was different than any other time. Even when I fell apart, I still tried to deny it all for a further four months or so because that's the sort of person that I am, until one of my best friends and my boyfriend made me go to visit the doctor.
I explained it all to him one Friday afternoon and he told me that I had anxiety, which I knew (as I was told at a WiC when I had my first panic attack), but he prescribed me 40mg of Propranolol three times a day. The idea was to help with the panic attacks I was having by slowing my heart rate with a beta blocker to, in theory, prevent panic attacks. And it worked. Apart from the first week of struggling to get up the hill I live on every day on the way home from university because I'm unfit enough as it is, it all got sorted. Sure, I had the occasional wobble but everyone does from time to time. I then reduced the dose to twice a day, and three times if I'm having a particularly bad day.
I had to go to regular doctors appointments to check my progress and everything seemed to be going fine, until Thursday. I hadn't been in about a month and I needed more Propranolol and have my review anyway, but this time was different. I felt pretty happy in myself, bar pooing myself about sitting exams (I get very stressed out by exams and I do struggle with my anxiety in the lead up to exam time) but my GP saw differently. I was happy because the amount of panic attacks I was having had decreased significantly, but mentally I wasn't any different to when he first spoke to me back in February/March. There was no improvement on my actual mental wellbeing. And that's when he broke the news - I have depression.
For now, I have been prescribed 50mg of Sertraline a day as an antidepressant with the idea that I will go to see someone for counselling or something in the near future. However, my body has not reacted well to it. I've been struggling with nausea, stomach cramps, back ache, headaches, loss of appetite, insomnia, blurred vision, numbness in my limbs and face, drowsiness, and I was a little bit sick too. I've even had worsened anxiety, and thoughts of self-harm (which I do not condone, nor have carried out). Not particularly ideal, and I've been bedridden all weekend.
Normally being bed bound would't be an issue except I have university exams (which actually started last week, before this whole hoo-ha with the antidepressant). A lot of the staff I've spoken to have told me to apply for 'extenuating circumstances' which means I have to submit a whole load of proof about why I can't sit an exam, or 4, including doctors notes and other pieces of evidence. They think I'll get it because it's an ongoing illness that I've been struggling with for some time, but I am worried that I won't and get capped at 40% for all of my exams. Obviously this is causing me a lot more anxiety and if I want an EC, I can't sit the exam in the first place. I don't get two shots - just the one. I'm bricking it about what they're gong to say to me. For now, I'm just revising as if I am taking my exams this week and just see what tomorrow brings.
Anybody can say 'I'm depressed'. For example, I said it all weekend to my boyfriend to get him to do things for me like bring me water and snacks, but telling my housemates and my coursemates that I have depression was so much harder than anything I've had to tell them. I told my mum and she seemed devestated, like a part of me had died, or like she was blaming herself for it. She wanted to know the cause and if I was going to do anything 'stupid' but I assured her that it just happens sometimes, and I'm okay for now.
The funny thing is, I've always been interested in mental health, but I never thought it would affect me the way it has. And this is why I'm blogging - to help others and to help myself. I'm taking this thing day by day and it's horrible, but these are the cards I've been dealt and I'm going to live with it, the same way so many other people have to.
Lots of love x
I've been struggling with my mental health for about 5 years now, and I just sucked it up like a big girl. That was until the back end of last year I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't push it to a corner in my mind and let it sit there, because it's been feeding off all the good things and getting stronger and stronger and then it just exploded and I fell to pieces. I was having regular panic attacks for the first time since revising for March 2013 and was in tears every single day. Ever since 2010 I've struggled with stress. It eats into me until I get ill, but this was different than any other time. Even when I fell apart, I still tried to deny it all for a further four months or so because that's the sort of person that I am, until one of my best friends and my boyfriend made me go to visit the doctor.
I explained it all to him one Friday afternoon and he told me that I had anxiety, which I knew (as I was told at a WiC when I had my first panic attack), but he prescribed me 40mg of Propranolol three times a day. The idea was to help with the panic attacks I was having by slowing my heart rate with a beta blocker to, in theory, prevent panic attacks. And it worked. Apart from the first week of struggling to get up the hill I live on every day on the way home from university because I'm unfit enough as it is, it all got sorted. Sure, I had the occasional wobble but everyone does from time to time. I then reduced the dose to twice a day, and three times if I'm having a particularly bad day.
I had to go to regular doctors appointments to check my progress and everything seemed to be going fine, until Thursday. I hadn't been in about a month and I needed more Propranolol and have my review anyway, but this time was different. I felt pretty happy in myself, bar pooing myself about sitting exams (I get very stressed out by exams and I do struggle with my anxiety in the lead up to exam time) but my GP saw differently. I was happy because the amount of panic attacks I was having had decreased significantly, but mentally I wasn't any different to when he first spoke to me back in February/March. There was no improvement on my actual mental wellbeing. And that's when he broke the news - I have depression.
For now, I have been prescribed 50mg of Sertraline a day as an antidepressant with the idea that I will go to see someone for counselling or something in the near future. However, my body has not reacted well to it. I've been struggling with nausea, stomach cramps, back ache, headaches, loss of appetite, insomnia, blurred vision, numbness in my limbs and face, drowsiness, and I was a little bit sick too. I've even had worsened anxiety, and thoughts of self-harm (which I do not condone, nor have carried out). Not particularly ideal, and I've been bedridden all weekend.
Normally being bed bound would't be an issue except I have university exams (which actually started last week, before this whole hoo-ha with the antidepressant). A lot of the staff I've spoken to have told me to apply for 'extenuating circumstances' which means I have to submit a whole load of proof about why I can't sit an exam, or 4, including doctors notes and other pieces of evidence. They think I'll get it because it's an ongoing illness that I've been struggling with for some time, but I am worried that I won't and get capped at 40% for all of my exams. Obviously this is causing me a lot more anxiety and if I want an EC, I can't sit the exam in the first place. I don't get two shots - just the one. I'm bricking it about what they're gong to say to me. For now, I'm just revising as if I am taking my exams this week and just see what tomorrow brings.
Anybody can say 'I'm depressed'. For example, I said it all weekend to my boyfriend to get him to do things for me like bring me water and snacks, but telling my housemates and my coursemates that I have depression was so much harder than anything I've had to tell them. I told my mum and she seemed devestated, like a part of me had died, or like she was blaming herself for it. She wanted to know the cause and if I was going to do anything 'stupid' but I assured her that it just happens sometimes, and I'm okay for now.
The funny thing is, I've always been interested in mental health, but I never thought it would affect me the way it has. And this is why I'm blogging - to help others and to help myself. I'm taking this thing day by day and it's horrible, but these are the cards I've been dealt and I'm going to live with it, the same way so many other people have to.
Lots of love x
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